I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
