Don't you send me to vm
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
