If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
