I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
