he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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