he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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