I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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