onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
