if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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