Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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