You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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