I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
