Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
