We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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