i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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