a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Still dying that you shit outside
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
