So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
