Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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