its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
