just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
