So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
