I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
