you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
