so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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