My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
