just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
