I wish I could teleport
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
