True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
