i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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