My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
