how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
