you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
