it wasn't lemon gatorade
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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