you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
