Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
