I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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