Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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