You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
