i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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