you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We're too hungover to prance.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
