Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
