i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
