I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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