Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
