giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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