You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize