I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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