You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
