you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
