i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
