My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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