I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
