Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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