I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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