dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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