If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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