Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
