i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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