I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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