He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You are the jesus of drinking
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
