I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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