His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
